Parenting

And a woman who held a babe against

her bosom said, Speak to us of Children.

And he said:

Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life’s

longing for itself.

They come through you but not from

you,

And though they are with you yet they

belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not

your thoughts,

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not

their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of to-

morrow, which you cannot visit, not even

in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek

not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries

with yesterday. 

~Kahlil Gibran                               

I believe this brief poem contains some absolutely eternal principles for assisting children to become healthy, functioning adults. The function of the family is to socialize children that they may contribute to the evolution of the planet. So many of us think we “have to teach” our children how to be useful adults. We often set out “to make” them like us or in many cases “to make them not like us.” We fail to realize that we cannot, not teach our children. Every moment we are interacting with them in every context, they are learning what it means to be a person.

Probably the most important realization that any parent can make is that every child is unique. They come with their own potential and the best we can do as parents is be the solid foundation that allows them to nurture and foster that development of their unique self. Children are naturally loving, naturally curious, naturally helpful and naturally self-serving. I love the principle of allowing children to discover their own thoughts. So many children are taught what to think as opposed to learning how to think. When we teach children how to think we are teaching them to process information and then evaluate the consequences of that information on their lives as well as the lives of others. We teach them what I call consequential thinking as opposed to right/wrong, good/bad thinking.

We cannot possibly protect our children from all the information of the world that could possibly harm them. What we can do is teach them to process information. By processing information the child learns to discern which information is helpful and that which is not.

How does one do this? The first criteria is for the parents to create a safe environment for the child to experience life. We set appropriate, flexible boundaries that are specific to the needs of the child. Boundaries for a five year old are much different than boundaries and expectations for a ten year old. But both benefit as being taught how to reason by asking appropriate reality testing questions. By asking questions you are teaching them to go inside themselves for the answer. Obviously they are not going to have a definitive answer and so parents will correct any dangerous or inappropriate answer. The point is that you are teaching them to problem solve with gentle guidance. You are teaching them respect by respecting them enough to acknowledge them and deeply listen to them without judgment. Every human being that comes onto the planet has the need to be seen, heard and understood. When this happens they feel loved; if it doesn’t, they don’t feel loved. Parents have to be very careful that they discern when they are parenting for themselves and when they are parenting for the child.

So many parents attempt to “make perfect children” because at some deep level they see their children as extensions of themselves. While this is true, they are separate from you. To be connected yet separate is a paradox that many parents and children never resolve successfully. The resolution of their paradox can only be achieved by loving unconditionally. For most people, the closest we ever come to loving unconditionally is the love we have for our children.

I believe one of the greatest gifts we can give our children is that we love our selves unconditionally. There are parts of ourselves that we may find unacceptable but we don’t reject ourselves because of that part. We work to change it thereby growing. We teach them in this way that they are evolving beings and quite acceptable in their own growth process.

Longing

 

What do you long for?

Spend a few moments and ask yourself that question. Allow your mind to just free flow and then write down everything that comes to your mind.

Now ask yourself this very important question, “What is the consequence of my longing?”

Many years ago Thoreau said, “Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with their song still in them.” Recently I was sitting on my home’s front porch overlooking a beautiful valley when I became acutely aware of a deep sense of longing within me. As I sat observing this longing I wondered where it came from because I lacked for nothing. As I observed it I recognized how “long” it had been with me. As I reflected, I could not remember a time when that shadow of longing had not been with me. I know there were times when I was not consciously aware of it but I knew I didn’t have to look very far to find it again. So what was this thing I sensed as longing? Every human being comes into the world through a connection, a sperm and an egg come together to form a zygote; that cell divides 52 times and become us in all of our miraculous complexity. We only stay viable because we have a connection to a host that allows us to survive and thrive. This deep need for a connection is imprinted upon our hearts, minds, and bodies. This imprint occurs at a time when we are vulnerable to all external stimulus. The new being is totally dependent upon the external environment for survival. The inner vulnerability calls for nurturing and attention from the outside world to insure its survival.

This instinctual need is felt by the adult and longing for something outside the self to complete us. The irony is that as we have grown we develop life strategy skills that enable us to meet our own survival needs. However, the longing to be connected and nurtured by another or something outside ourselves is still there locked deep in the interior of the unconscious. Feeling a sense of something missing often causes an existential unrest. People who experience this “longing” often start searching for something to complete them. The positive side of this searching is that people often create new and innovative products that might improve the quality of life. New frontiers are explored because people feel this deep need to discover something more “out there.”

The downside of this longing is that people often turn to things that mask the longing but have disastrous side effects. Addictive behaviors are an example of meeting this longing in a way that does not ultimately benefit anyone.

There are many, as Thoreau said, “who lead lives of quiet desperation.” That is, they long for something they either cannot create or are unwilling to risk creating something different. “Wanting” the “thing”, but never doing anything about it is what creates the desperation. It really isn’t the “not having” that creates the problem, but the “longing” for the thing not created that causes such deep suffering.

When we recognize that the source of our suffering is not in our immediate environment we can relax into the perfection of the moment. If the “lack” is immediate, that is, it is something we need, we must move to create it.

Sometimes it takes great courage to move out of a place that is familiar. Many times I have heard of circumstances that are very painful and yet people stay in them. It is not comfortable but it is familiar and seemingly requires no risk. In this case the greater risk is to do nothing.

Some time ago a client in the support group I facilitate for people with cancer, brought this wonderful poem in:

Come to the Edge

Life said.

We are afraid.

Come to the Edge.

Life said.

They came.

It pushed them . . .

And

They

Flew

                                                                                            - Guillaume Apolknaire 

When people are militant in their healing journey, they don’t seem to mind flying. They truly sing their song and their song blesses the world.

Mental Health

 

I do not believe mental illness is a disease. I believe it is a state of consciousness that has been labeled a disease. Yet when people hear the concept of “mental health” they experience a conditioned response and really hear “mental illness,” which in turn causes them to experience shame or embarrassment.

“Mental health” started on the wrong path when as a discipline it became known as an “illness of mind” and thus a disease. Psychiatrists, seeking legitimacy from their medical peers, chose to follow the medical model and focus on materialistic or physical pathology of the body and apply the disease model to the mind. Most modern research is still focused on examining the brain function and areas of the brain where disease might be found. While they have discovered many marvelous things about the brain, they still haven’t found a physical manifestation of mental illness. And how can they, when we still haven’t discovered how matter (brain) holds the thing we call the “mind” or consciousness. It is a miraculous mystery how neurons in the brain are able to hold information and organize that information in such a way that we can act upon that information. For example, I cannot explain to you how I am able to write this very sentence, or how you, the reader, is able to comprehend (or perhaps not comprehend) this explanation.

The brain is capable of such incredible feats. It records everything. It records the obvious and the not so obvious. The brain hears what is said but it also records that which is not said. This is particularly true for attitudes held by the self, about the self. There are times when one is told overtly that they are not enough or that there is something defective about them. When this happens the natural defense mechanism will usually adjust the suggestion as false. However, when someone sends the same message indirectly by non-verbal tone or inflection, the brain records it deep in the unconscious. For example:  We do not tell others that is it OK to lie, steal, or cheat or to treat someone mean, including self. And yet everyone has at some time or another done one or more of those things. The brain recorded these moments of information in the unconscious, and then the person acted on that information later, again without any conscious understanding of how or why.

What is not said, is what determines the person’s individual sense of self. There is an epidemic being created by the social media that we are “not enough,” through the way events and opinions are portrayed, though it is never said outright, it is having serious consequences on our society. Ironically it’s true: none of us are enough! But so what?! The problem is not the fact that we are not enough – it is the negative sentiment that somehow we are flawed because we are not enough.

The world is full of ideas (consciousness) and the brain is the processor of that consciousness, both the known and the unknown. Simply because we cannot measure something does not make it any less real. This is where we enter the world of spirit. The inner world where we sense a connection to all things, even the unknowable. Yet we are conscious of this unknowable sentiment and we find that it has real consequences in our lives, sometimes intended but often unintended.

An example of unintended consequence is the function of addictive behavior. I have never known anyone who consciously set out to mess up their lives. However, because of their unconscious level of awareness that is exactly what happens. Often when asked “Why did you partake of an addictive substance or activity?” they will give various answers blaming it on the past or even say “I don’t know.” They probably really don’t know because their level of awareness is limited to the conscious mind. To make changes they are required to examine the results produced by the unconscious, thereby raising their level of consciousness. The conscious mind can never know the unconscious directly. It can only know the results of the unconscious.

Honest self-examination is the path to enlightenment. How you think about yourself will determine how you present yourself to your world. Conscious as well as unconscious insecurities will motivate one to present to the world in a way that is less genuine and authentic. Some call that “posing” or we pretend while pretending that we are not pretending.

The energy to manage impressions can be exhausting emotionally and psychologically. The fear of being “found out” takes a huge toll on our happiness and well-being. The negative connotations that come with the concepts of “mental health” or “mental illness” perpetuate this stigma and create an arena of fear and shame.

The term “mental illness” brings a connotation that one is somehow defective at the core level. No one wants to be diagnosed with a mental illness. It brings shame and disgrace, separating them from the rest of humanity. It is not so different as in times past when one was considered to be demonic if their behavior or thought was different than the societal norm. During the dark ages over a million women, children, and men were put to death because they were thought to be possessed by some “evil spirit.” In response, modern psychology was invented to replace this very archaic and inhumane practice.

Despite our advances, our mental health system seems woefully inadequate. There is still an element of inhumanity from what happened in our early psychiatric institutions and what is still occurring with those diagnosed as mentally ill. Studying the “matter” of the brain is not going to answer the question of how the mind works. We need to stop focusing on the symptoms (medical model) and start examining the underlying root of the symptoms, which is to study levels of consciousness that produce behaviors diagnosed as “mental illness.”

Recently there has been a movement, long overdue, in the psychological world toward a science of happiness. Martin E.P. Selizman, PhD has been a strong advocate for positive psychology. I would urge all to read his book “Authentic Happiness.” Having said that, I believe we need to go even further.

We must develop a new paradigm that examines all levels of consciousness. Consciousness is difficult to define in English because it often simply refers to being aware of some phenomenon. It is abstract, therefore it cannot accurately be described because it is not physical matter but it is the stuff that creates matter. From the Tibetan book of the Great Liberation, we read “Matter is derived from mind, not mind from matter.” Professor Han-Peter Durz said, “Whatever matter is, it is not made of matter.” I propose that happiness, unhappiness, mental health, mental illness, are all states of consciousness and each in its own way serves some purpose for the holder of that particular state of consciousness.

In nature all phenomenon has purpose. If it has no purpose it seems the intelligence of the universe does not create it. In other words, the mind of the universe has no need to create something that has no purpose. Even what we call insanity, or mental illness, serves some purpose just as happiness serves some purpose.

Mother Nature, evolution, created within each species an awareness or consciousness (mind stuff) of our environment. It seems that emotions are representations of our relationship to our environment. For example, if we feel fear our consciousness is telling us that there is something that is threatening. If we feel depressed there is something in our environment that we have lost or we are mourning something. If we are angry something is offensive to us. Emotions are messengers that give us information beyond the five senses. The mind itself is a meaning making phenomenon (consciousness) and is constantly evaluating and judging everything around us. Thus, when we allow the mind to examine itself without judgment it goes into a restful, peaceful state. From the space of stillness comes much wisdom.

In this space we are able to change the interior and to know what our consciousness is as it relates to the exterior world. The “out there” changes when the “in here” changes. So while we don’t physically change, our perception (consciousness) changes, and that effects everything. We must conclude that we are not our perceptions; we hold them but they are not us.

There are many who have experienced this dramatic shift in consciousness. In religious circles we call these people mystics. They seem to be in touch with a different or higher level of consciousness. In this state, perception (consciousness) of reality changes; while everything stays the same, nothing is really the same. Buddha is a well-known example: his goal was to discover the nature of the mind that perceives reality.

Most people believe that only select individuals have mystical or altered states of consciousness. I believe all are capable of attaining mystical experiences. In fact, everyone I have ever talked to has had some experience in that realm, whether or not they realize it at the time.

A religious mystic experience or a state of enlightenment is the same as loss of ego identity, commonly referred to as a psychotic break. Most of us would say people who experience any of those changes are very different, but we might be hard pressed to say how they are different. We would certainly be able to discern the difference in terms of consequence.

When one reads the poetry of some of the mystics of old we get a sense of their “insanity” as well as a sense of their serenity and peace. St. Catherine of Siena spent her life serving both the mental and emotional aspects of people suffering. Here is her poem “I Won’t Take No For an Answer”:

“I won’t take no for an answer,”
God began to say
to me
When He opened His arms each night
wanting us to
dance.

When Catherine was seven she yearned to wed God. She left home, found a cave, and sought God out in prayer. She had a mystical experience that put her on a path of assisting others to heal. In today’s world any seven year old who claimed to want to wed God would be taken to a child psychiatrist, given medication, and labeled with a mental illness.

Labels don’t help us in having effective relationships. Labels prevent us from seeing the real person, causing us to relate to the label (the idea of the person) rather than the actual person. For me this is a tragic way of dealing with a level of consciousness that results in shaming the child, or any person. No matter what the symptom we can still relate to that person. Does putting a diagnosis on a person help us in our relationship strategies? No! Most often it creates an artificial barrier in the relationship. Diagnosis and labels create so much pain for all involved. I have always found that true healers see the person. They help the person to find the courage to be honest and authentic, relieving that person of all the doubt and fear, and helping them to find both spiritual and emotional rewards.

When Love Ends

Recently I wrote about love, a subject that has been written about for thousands of years. Today I write about when love ends.

All relationships in mortality will sometime end. They will end because of death, divorce, or separation. In death love may not end and sometimes feels more intense. In divorce love dies because of neglect or abuse. The death of love feels like your heart is broken. We use terms like “she broke my heart,” “my heart aches for the one I love,” “he died of a broken heart,” etc. There is no question that when love dies it is often more painful than experiencing the death of a loved one. Over the years I have had clients who have experienced both, and all say the death of love in the relationship was more painful than the actual physical death of their loved one.

When love grows cold, the void that is left often fills with anger and resentment. This anger and resentment often times takes many years to heal. I once had a client tell me her story of rejection, betrayal and pain. As I listened she spoke of her pain as if it were yesterday. I asked, “When did all of this take place?” She replied, “Twenty years ago.” It was as if her emotional life had stopped with the divorce. While divorce certainly is a defining process for people, it need not be the end of love for them. It is sad for me when I see couples who once were lovers become bitter enemies. When children are involved it becomes even more tragic. Learning how to “quit” a love relationship is almost as important as learning the healing principles of a relationship that allows it to grow and flourish.

It is sad for me when I frequently hear that couples, upon ending their love relationship, threaten the other with things that that person holds most dear. Most often this involves the children’s living arrangements. I dislike the term “custody” because it implies ownership and control. No one owns their children. Often spouses threaten the other with the withholding of support financially, emotionally, or psychologically. Simply because the marriage flounders does not give one license to be mean and abusive. Usually one person in the relationship feels victimized. This becomes acutely true when the two parties go through the judicial system which is ill equipped to handle the spiritual and emotional issues of divorce and separation.

As said earlier, healing the wounds of a love relationship takes time and perspective. Of these two variables, perspective is by far the most important. One must give oneself and the signification other time to go through the grief and mourning process. It requires a militant commitment to the healing process. It requires one to become fully accountable for how they handle events in their lives. It often times requires forgiveness of self and of the other. It certainly requires one to let go.

Often I am asked, “Is there a good reason to end relationships?” The answer is “yes”; however, relationships must be ended for the right reason. I believe that reason should be so that both parties can go on growing emotionally and spiritually. If there is a pattern of ridicule, invalidation, or lack of acknowledgement for thought and emotion, one should end that relationship. I don’t believe there is any relationship that is worth giving up your integrity for. If you have to give up yourself to stay in the relationship you have gained nothing. One who loves you would never require you to give up yourself. One who loves you would ask you to be your best self and would offer to assist you in that process.

The purposes of relationships are many. The main function, however, is to assist us in our growth emotionally, spiritually and psychologically. When people fail to realize and understand this important principle, pain and heartache are the consequences.

Dependence versus Love

Scott Peck in his book The Road Less Traveled defines love as: “The will to extend oneself for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth” (81).

Considering Peck’s perspective of love, examine the following sentiments: “I can’t live without your love. I’m nothing without your love. What am I supposed to do without your love?” All of these sentiments reflect much of what we commonly believe about love, especially as young dependent children. Of all creatures, human beings are the most dependent for the longest period of time. We are also the only creatures that we know of who have a consciousness of self and are self-conscious, thereby giving us the capacity of self-love or self-rejection. These self-values of love or rejection are taught to us by the amount of value we perceive our caretakers to have for us.

While the sentiments mentioned above are true for the very young, they cannot remain true as the child grows and develops into a mature youth and eventually an adult. As one matures we should move from dependence on others for survival and love, to a more spiritually mature level of consciousness that allows for personal self-love and nurturing.

If a child has been neglected or traumatized by caretakers who were either unconscious of their mistreatment or who had been injured as children themselves, learning how to have self-love can be difficult. Because the child grew up in an environment lacking nurturing and love, he or she has an immense challenge because they must literally learn to speak a new language, a language different than the one their brains were wired with.

Language is symbolic of a level of consciousness. It represents the way we see our world externally as well as internally. If we speak a language of love, tolerance, empathy, and compassion, these personal character qualities are present in our neurological make up. Quite literally a person cannot behave in a way that is not “wired” in their neurons of the brain. The miracle of these things called the brain and consciousness is that it is conscious of itself. This allows it to learn from itself both consciously as well as unconsciously. So while it may be difficult to learn how to love even if we were not loved as children, it is possible.

Love as Dependence
Much of what I hear and experience about love is more about dependence than it is about love. I believe this common confusion arises from the fact that we all need to be nurtured, both from a biological and physical standpoint, but also from an emotional, psychological and spiritual place. We, like all species, are dependent on our environment for our very survival. Hostility in any part of our life does not bode well for our survival and growth. As a result, our very well-being is dependent on being loved and nurtured. Initially this love should come from others, such as caretakers, family, and close friends. However, we must each grow and progress in such a way that their love is replaced by our own self-love.

Self-love requires discipline. It is not just indulging oneself with every want or whim. Seemingly pleasurable indulgence should not be considered self-love; rather it is a counterfeit of love, encouraging a false sense of wellbeing. This counterfeit love can even come from a place of good intentions and actions. For example: Often people “do” things that could be nurturing, such as scripture study, prayer, study, and exercise. However, when these things are part of a lengthy “to do” list of items they’re supposed to do, they become an unfulfilling chore that hinders instead of helps. When these things are done not as a task, but as a conduit to nurture oneself, they become great vehicles for growth and love.

As one truly loves oneself, one experiences the sensations of completeness or wholeness, which then translates as a feeling of self-worth and confidence. This perspective allows us to see others as they are as well, and invite them to understand their own wholeness. This invitation is one in which the other is invited to expand or enlarge oneself. Sometimes this invitation even comes by way of pain. For example:
    Sometimes love is comforting.
    Sometimes love is confronting.
    Sometimes love is making love with them.
    Sometimes love is not making love with them.
    Sometimes love is strict discipline.
    Sometimes love is listening deeply.

Love is never a feeling or emotion, although it creates deep emotion. Love can be sensory, so much so that it is deeply sensed in the same way that energy can be sense. Thus it becomes the most powerful agent of change; the only change agent, in fact, that brings about spiritual healing. As we know, when we change the spiritual, or the interior, the world around us changes for the better.

Cathexis
Growing up I had the opportunity to see many animals come into the world because my family owned sheep and cattle. I had many experiences of assisting a ewe to give birth to her lamb. To witness the new born lamb or calf taking its first breath was always a physical manifestation of the miracle of life. There were many times when I would hold the newborn lamb and feel it as if it were a part of me.

Passing from childhood to adulthood, I eventually married and had children of my own. When each of my children were born I held them and felt that deep indescribable connection, knowing that they were part of me. There’s a sense of wonder knowing that we all came from the same source and yet are separate. We are separate so that we might continue to grow and evolve individually. As strong as these feelings are this is not love in its entirety. It is love in infancy. The love matures as my desire grows to serve my children in such a way that they can grow and mature spiritually and emotionally. Most parents do this willingly and joyfully, regardless of the many heartaches and disappointments that are an inevitable part of the process.

If one is to be happy one has to come to a place of gentle self-acceptance and be willing to serve self in a way that enables spiritual growth and evaluation. Many confuse indulging ego wants and needs, with the strategy of going inward to discover true light. Scott Peck’s definition of love, “the will to extend oneself for the spiritual growth of another,” is most applicable. All of the great philosophers, prophets and mystics have taught this grand truth:  that when we change our interior, the whole world changes. True love comes not from the exterior – it comes from the deep interior of the unmanifest.

Soul Pancake
This sensory experience is a defining moment in a person’s life. It changes the heart, which in turn changes how we experience the world. Even suffering, which usually has a negative connotation, becomes more exquisite. We have heard it said before, and probably experienced it ourselves: Life is painful. At times it may even feel like pain and suffering are our constant companions. Looking at the big picture, we can better understand that the painful tension that exists throughout all nature and life, is a necessary part of our transformation, and transform we will! Nature herself guarantees that with or without our help, we will transform. We have a choice though: we can consciously evolve with a purpose, or we can simply go with the current, occasionally resisting until we’re too exhausted to resist further.

This continual progression of transforming and changing and growing is an essential part of life. There’s never an ideal state that we will arrive at and stay at permanently. All manifested things – the physical aspects of life – are temporary in nature and are always subject to entropy. As we love and act on that love, we cooperate with these forces and flow toward the infinite. The unmanifested – love, empathy, compassion, integrity –are not subject to the forces of nature. They cannot be destroyed. They are only be controlled by our own consciousness.

Dangers of Cathextic Love
When people confuse genuine love with dependence, the results are damaging. The movie “War of the Roses” is a perfect example of “possessive love,” which ends in the tragic death of both parties. To some this may seem romantic, but this is not real love. Real or genuine love is difficult in real life. It requires us to continually examine ourselves, by asking ourselves: “How do my thoughts and actions impact the one I love? Am I helping them to grow?” People who see relationships as possessions are concerned only of how their ego interests are served. When our identity is so connected to another for our personal value, we place ourselves in great psychological, emotional and spiritual peril. When that relationship ends, and all relationships in mortality will end, we have no spiritual reserve to sustain us. We are left feeling empty, with no inherent value or purpose. This condition is the most painful of all conditions and many literally do not survive.

Anyone who has experienced the end of love relationship knows how very painful it can be. It often takes years to fully heal and it always leaves a scar on the psyche. Healing can occur more effectively when we do not attempt to “possess” the relationship, but instead surrender to it and let nature, time, and perspective do the healing.

Relationship Gone Awry

Addictive behaviors are self-nurturing behaviors gone awry.

There has been so much written about the dangers of addictions.  The word addiction is used by many to describe behaviors of which a person believes they have no control.  There are those who say that addictions are a disease of the brain, while there are those who contend just as strongly that addictions are the lack of will as a moral compass.

It is not my intent in this writing to debate or even examine the many debates as to what addiction is or isn’t.  My intent is to examine briefly the purpose of addictions.  I am making the assumption that all behaviors are purposeful.  That is, if it exists it has some purpose.  In the last writing we briefly discussed the consequence of not loving or nurturing self.  The purpose of all addictions is to nurture the self, to reduce some inner angst that seems so inherently uncomfortable.  This inner discomfort when relieved automatically becomes a behavior we want to replicate.  In other words, addictive behaviors initially bring relief from some inner discomfort.  Oftentimes it not only brings relief, but it also produces a sensation of pleasure and comfort.  Oftentimes this experience gives one a sense of well-being, a sense of completeness.  Anyone who has struggled with addictions knows this sense is fleeting and leaves us feeling more uncomfortable and vulnerable than before.  The ego brain then sets out on a journey to find relief from the discomfort and ends up returning to the same behavior that gave relief the first time.  People do addictive behaviors to improve the quality of their lives. And quite frequently it works, at least temporarily, then leaves them with less quality and more guilt and shame.  Remember that shame is that deeply felt sense that “I am inherently flawed,” that not only did I make a mistake, but “I am a mistake.”

  

We are socialized very early in our lives that mistakes are not okay and that if I make a mistake I am less than acceptable.  Being less than acceptable means that I am not approved of, therefore not loveable.  Being unloved is probably the most existentially painful experience anyone can have, often people do not survive that experience.

The root of all addiction is in the lack of self-love.  Addictive behavior is the illusion of giving yourself love.  This illusion leaves us feeling less than acceptable or loveable.  At this stage we begin the cycle all over, anxious – addictive behavior, relief – guilt, shame, rejection of self – each cycle seems to deepen our despair.

Addiction is nothing more than giving your personal power away to something that has no innate life energy, which leaves the individual feeling “less than,” with a sense of shame.  It is not the substance or thing that is the problem, it is our relationship with the substance or thing that is the problem!  This relationship at some time brought us comfort and pleasure.  Much like Linus and his blanket, we get comfort from the external thing.  Eventually, it creates a great many problems especially as we are forced to choose between conflicting wants and desires.  Linus believes he needs his blanket, others ridicule him for it – these people are the ones he wants to be accepted by.  He is forced to make a choice.  The choice will bring him pain either way.  However, one pain will be for his continued transformation and growth, the other pain will keep him stuck in a pattern that impedes his growth. 

Is there such a thing as a healthy addiction?  If I am addicted to working out or exercise?  What if I am addicted to meditation or walking?  What if I am addicted to work or religion?  There are healthy routines and healthy habits.  The key is honestly asking the question of yourself, “Am I free to choose?”  If one has given up their power to choose then one has lost part of themselves. 

Letting go of an addictive behavior will always bring a type of suffering.  Our bodies and our minds have normalized that behavior.  A new routine or pattern is always difficult to develop.  However, this kind of suffering is what I call “legitimate” suffering.  It creates new growth.  Any addictive behavior inhibits the natural process of nature which is to grow and mature.  Healing addictive behavior requires that we learn ways of nurturing ourselves that do not require us to give up our soul. No one has ever heals an addictive behavior by hating it or the self. It requires that we see the addiction for what it is and make a choice. It often requires us to have a shift in our level of consciousness, not easy, but always possible. It is always a process and there are many modalities of healing. Find and select one that fits your unique situation.Select a spiritual ritual that has no negative side effects and practice every day. This healing ritual will start the process of rewiring the neural pathways in your brain. The ancients knew of the powerful influence of rituals on the human psyche, changing the brain and the consciousness of the mind is a necessary part of the healing process. Rituals will aid you in that process. 

Blessings to you on your healing journey.

Healing Relationship

Militant Healing is a commitment to knowing and understanding our relationships of all things especially as it relates to self. Morris L. West wrote in the book, “The Shoes of a Fisherman”,

It costs so much to be a full human being that there are very few who have the enlightenment or the courage, to pay the price. . .One has to abandon altogether and embrace the search for security, and reach out to the risk of loving with both arms. One has to embrace the world like a lover. One has to accept pain as a condition of existence. One has to court doubt and darkness as the cost of knowing. One needs a will stubborn in conflict, but apt always to total acceptance of every consequence of living and dying.

The courage he speaks of does not come easy for anyone.  It has been said that life is not for the faint of heart.  So many want and dream of a life full of joy and contentment – usually associated with “having” all the things they sincerely believe will bring them happiness.  The irony of this is that wishes unfulfilled only brings misery and woe.  Creative function requires action and entails risk – the risk of failing and to be found wanting.  The roots of this deep fear is that when we are found wanting we will be disapproved of.  We are very vulnerable to the withdrawal of love.  This need for others’ approval is often a two-edged sword.  When they approve we feel valued.  When they don’t approve we feel anxious or angry.  As a species we are the only ones I know of that are so dependent on the attitudes and beliefs of those outside of us to determine our contentment. We have created billion dollar industries to make us look better, smell better, and behave better so that we might be acceptable. I believe we do this because we are hard wired to be loved and accepted by someone outside ourselves. Long before we have a conscious sense of self we are dependent on others for our very survival. We humans are the most dependent of all creatures on our like kind to determine our value. We are so very vulnerable for approval and disapproval for others. The irony of vulnerable-ness is that while it allows us to love and be loved, it also creates a deep instinctive fear of abandonment and fear of disapproval. In the last writing, I talked about how we are hard wired to connect to others and to be loved by them. 


I was raised in a culture of tradition that taught me that I existed before I came into mortality. In that pre-mortal state I experienced unconditional love just because I was. There were no conditions for “my story” which is really not my story, but someone else’s story about me. I simply adopted their story at the expense of losing my own sense of perfection. We take on the identity of the world which I believe is the ego self. Does the original imprint of that unconditional love ever leave us? I think not! It may be reflected in that deep need for connection, it may be reflected in our vulnerable-ness to not being loved and valued. That deep sense manifests itself many times over in people’s need to be nurtured and loved.

It is possible to “remember” or “sense” this loving perfection when we can still the ego mind and challenge the “old story” and see it as an illusion. In the Gospel of Thomas, it is written,  

“. . . When you know yourself, then you will be known, and you will understand that you are children of the Living Father. But if you do not know yourselves, then you live in poverty, and you are the poverty.” C. Scholar’s translation of the gospel of Thomas vs 3 by Stephen Patterson and Marvin Meyer.

I find it interesting that we first “know” ourselves then we are “known”. The transformation process requires that we put off the “old story”, the story of our domestication process, and chose the new story that allows us to be the “full human being.” The human being that is both vulnerable and strong, the human being that is always growing and becoming enlightened as to the truth of who we are. Enlightenment is that awareness that all things are connected in a meaningful way, that all things have purpose, that everything matters and that nothing will be lost. 

Enlightenment requires that we be willing to change. We must examine paradigms that have out lived their usefulness. We must adopt paradigms that foster cooperation rather than competitiveness. There is too much knowledge available to us that warns of the dangers of a win/lose paradigm. We are going to find it more difficult to justify hurting someone else for our gain. We serve ourselves by serving others. 

In the beginning quote the person he talks about is not defined by others – she is defined by her passions to take on life and live every aspect of it.

Today I sat with a dear friend who is in the process of dying.  She shared with me her fears, not for herself but for others she loves, especially her vulnerable grandchildren.  She has finally embraced her life and her death, while she expressed some regrets mostly for the things she didn’t do.  She said she may have “played it safe” and that at times she was afraid of the disapproval of others – that sometimes she didn’t dance or sing as “wildly” as she would have liked.  She told me she regretted allowing herself to be defined by others.  The irony now is that I have rarely encountered such courage and integrity in a person.  She is embracing all of life and she is defining her own experience.

Change

​We are living in a world that is changing so rapidly that one cannot possibly keep up, especially as it relates to technology.  Recently my granddaughter wrote an essay on the attachment to texting.  She made the argument that while staying in touch in important, the price we pay may be very high.  This is especially true as it relates to many things that cannot be recaptured like the sight of a “bald eagle” in flight.

​The world is designed by the intelligence of nature to evolve.  I believe we as a species are designed by the intelligence of nature to grow and evolve spiritually.  I think of spirituality in terms of relationships; it is our connection to all things.  These connections can be healthy – that is, it benefits both entities; or they can be unhealthy in that one or both are diminished by the relationship. At the spiritual level, if one party in the relationship is hurt, both will be diminished.  At the temporal or ego level of relationship (this is where most relationships function), they are competitive, striving to gain the advantage and be declared the winner.  Ultimately winners become losers and the cycle continues.
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The upside of technology is that we on the planet are instantly connected to all people and events that happen, and it has become more difficult to pretend that what is happening does not impact us, therefore absolving us of accountability.

​In social psych literature, there is a concept of “diffusion of responsibility.”  This phenomenon exists when people are able to excuse their lack of involvement by rationalizing that someone else will take care of it.

​Personal accountability for our lives is the key to empowerment.  While we cannot always dictate or determine what happens to us, we can always choose the meaning we put on any given experience. This often requires us to overcome our cultural and ego programming.  This task is difficult and often painful, especially to the ego personality.  It seems egos love to be offended and outraged by unfairness and injustice, sometimes to the extent that inflicts extreme violence on the offender.

​I have found this to be true with many of my clients who have made mistakes, betrayed themselves, or have not lived up to their perfectionistic ideals.  In the name of integrity they continue to psychologically and spiritually punish themselves with self-defeating thoughts and behaviors.  They have sometimes subconsciously, and many times consciously, concluded that “I am unacceptable and therefore in need of punishment.”  These people are very good people in that their personal character qualities are by nature very adequate.  Oftentimes they are very sensitive and compassionate with others; they wouldn’t intentionally hurt someone, they are honest, they work hard and often make wonderful contributions to others.  However, they withhold empathy and compassion from themselves.  This withholding of love violates the laws of nature that allow us to evolve spiritually. Literally, it keeps us stuck.

​A wonderful quote by Carl Jung puts the problem in clear perspective.  He said, “What if I should discover that the poorest of the beggars and the most impudent of offenders are all within me, that I stand in need of the alms of my own kindness, that I am the enemy who must be loved. What then?”

​The “what then” is this perspective that allows a higher consciousness to operate. The ego has been subdued and continued spiritual growth now becomes possible.  We come to a very powerful psychological “YES” that allows us to change.  The psychological and spiritual equivalent of “no” keeps us stagnant and spiritually impotent, thus thwarting the laws of personal progression.

​No one changes by “hating” themselves, no one heals the relationship with self by hating self. Take stock of yourself, look at those personal character qualities that serve you and those which are sabotaging yourself.  Do an honest inventory.  Make small changes that reflect the spiritual “yes” to something more peaceful and harmonious in all your relationships.

​I started this discussion by looking at the benefits and the pitfalls of modern technology.  My great fear is not that machines will become more human-like; my great fear is that our brains evolve to become more machine-like, thus losing our ability to connect at the deepest level.  I doubt very much that we can ever program an inanimate object to love and to have compassion and empathy for another.  Would a machine ever intentionally give its life for another?

​When we become so enamored with technology, we literally are giving our humanity to a machine which can never bring fulfillment.  It becomes the illusion of having intimacy.  It can be terribly stimulating and hold our attention for hours, and when not connected can make us feel anxious and agitated, very much like withdrawal from an addictive substance.

​True intimacy with self and others brings a sense of fulfillment and peace.  There is a transcendent quality in this state of awareness, very difficult to define and describe, but all know it when we experience it.

​I believe that we as a species long for that transcendent peace; we are hard-wired for it.  We are coming to understand that the competitive paradigm of life does not serve humanity as well as other life on the planet.  The cooperative spirit is more in alignment with our true nature than winning at all costs.  This competitive paradigm which is ego-driven ultimately serves no one, even the winners.

Doing Healing Work

Healing requires that we examine all the different aspects of our lives. Socrates was to have said, “A life unexamined is not worth living”.

This statement, while harsh, is the key to living a self-actualized life.

As human beings we are “hard wired” to be loved and to be acknowledged. Our greatest subtle fear is that somehow we are unacceptable to those who we want to love us. The irony of this is that much of what we identify to be us, was created by what others thought of us and what they thought of themselves. Our brain wires information, much like the imputing of data into a file. Initially the brain was not capable of distinguishing accurate data or information from inaccurate information. This data or information impacts the entire Central Nervous System. It is only as we grow and develop that we come to access the data and its impact on us. As the mind is developed, it primarily functions as a regulator of the data or information. Somewhere along the developmental process we become aware that we are aware and that we can evaluate the information that has been recorded in our brain.

My grandfather used to say that a lie was as good as the truth if no one knew the difference. It seems that within us there lies an entity that lets us know truth if our sense of self has not been so badly damaged with violence and ignorance. Within each child that comes into the world there is a light, a uniqueness that defines only them. Each light is precious and changes the world on its arrival. When the child is unacknowledged and neglected, that data is recorded within the brain and has serious consequences because it is often misinterpreted by ego or false self.

Nature created within us the ability for emotions and it is our emotion that defines our relationship to our environment. If our environment is unsafe, we feel fear; if offensive, we feel anger. If we lose something, we feel depressed; if unacknowledged we feel resentment or sadness, or fear or anger or some combination of those.

As human beings we not only have an external environment, we have and are aware of our internal environment. Factually we never experience anything “out there”, we only experience “things” within the confines of our Central Nervous System. This experience is often defined as the self, in part because we are aware that we are having an experience and that experience is within us. What we don’t always realize is that we often create our own inner experience. Sometimes pleasant, but often times very unpleasant. When we come to understand that we can, by choosing attitudes and beliefs, impact our inner experience to the degree that we find peace and joy, then we are on the path of self-actualization and healing.

As stated earlier we need to be loved and acknowledged. This is not only true for infants, but a need throughout our mortality. This is most true as we come to realize that self-love is the foundation for allowing others to love us. It requires an acceptance of our vulnerability. This is a risk well worth taking.

Blessings to all!

Making Sense

How does one make sense out of a senseless act as in the recent acts of violence in our country? We are shocked that it is happening in “our neighborhood”. In real time that violence is occurring in neighborhoods all around the globe. We must broaden our view of the world we live in. In recent times past the majority of the populace did not have intimate access to the information of events of the world. Today there is almost instant access with live images of carnage and destruction. It is becoming much more difficult for people to remain indifferent and uninvolved. 

The level of healing involvement will be different for every individual. The foundational healing level is healing the relationship with self. Healing requires that we find harmony with the different elements of ourselves. I use the word harmony because I don’t believe we are ever in true balance. Nature is dynamic, it is constantly moving. Air or water that are not moving become stagnant and without life. This constant movement allows us to evolve and grow. Like nature, if we are not growing and evolving emotionally and spiritually, we suffer serious consequence.

Eckhart Tolle made the statement that, “When the inside is okay, the outside will take care of itself.” I made a comment in the last blog post that I believe no one heals by hating him or herself. And no one heals by hating and resenting anyone else. This hatred and resentment creates an illusion of separateness between entities. Some use this illusion of separateness as justification for violence. Healing occurs when we can reconcile all the conflicting parts that are within us and between us. Carl Jung was to have said, “What if I should discover that the poorest of the beggars and the most impudent of offenders are all within me. That I myself stand in need of the alms of my own kindness, that I myself am the enemy who must be loved? What then?" As we are able to love ourselves, it provides a foundation for loving others.

If we honestly examine ourselves we must admit that as a human being we are all capable of the most inhuman acts; that as human beings we are complex and are capable of a broad range of emotions that require examination. Examining what really defines us, and what qualities of our personal character we truly possess, require courage and perseverance. All of us at some time define ourselves in terms of what we think others think of us. Most of us simply adopt beliefs and attitudes of our culture rather than choosing attitudes and beliefs that contribute to our personal growth, as well as the growth of the culture.  As we risk taking the journey inward and finding the truth of whom we really are, which really is no risk at all, because when you get there and find the real or authentic self, it is sweetness beyond description. I have never experienced someone who was disappointed in that person. I have experienced many who on the way there, found parts of themselves that were most disturbing and in need of attention. As they gave those undesirable parts attention by understanding their original purpose, those wounds became gifts of wisdom and understanding. I often have people examine original wounds, not for the purpose of reliving them or being defined by them, but to find the gift of the wound. As in nature when there is a wound there is a gift. Ego function defines us in terms of the wound; spiritual function defines us in terms of the gift. When we accomplish this shift in consciousness, we live in gratitude. We have created harmony within mind, body and spirit. We have experienced the healing process. We find meaning and purpose in the journey of life.

A Call To "Wake Up" ~ Boston Marathon Bombs

Another reckless event in the life of our country. Another senseless event that reminds us how vulnerable we are. I first felt outrage as I viewed the images coming from the television, then my feelings turned to empathy and compassion for those injured. In the mix was my admiration of those very courageous men and women who ran into the middle to aid those who were hurt and in shock.

This event reminds us how much we are connected on this small planet and all are in need of healing our relationships. It reminds us of the terrible consequences that come from not embarking on the healing journey. In the name of some cause there are people who in their insanity, are willing to destroy innocent people. They have egos that are so attached to an idea or perspective that it justifies wanton destruction of life. It is not just the destruction of those that may disagree with them, it is directed at the most innocent and vulnerable. This process of attaching one’s ego to a cause is evil. There are a few ideas and causes worth dying for. There are even fewer ideas and causes worth killing for. Ego function is solely for the desires and perceptions of the one who holds such perception. It rarely serves the good of humanity. It is evil because it is touted as being for a greater good but really has no such intent. Those acts of insanity are for the sole purpose of satisfying the ego of the individual.

Sadly, this process can happen at all levels of humanity, from the level of personal relationships to the level of international and political relationships. I see many intimate relationships injured because one or both have their identities so tied up in being right. The thought of being able to see the others’ point of view is beyond the capacity of ego. The cliché of “would you rather be right or happy?” so aptly applies. Most would certainly rather be right than have a relationship. So many people fail to recognize that to seek understanding of another’s point of view can bring peace and happiness. When we bring pure awareness to ego function, the ego disappears. It is much like bringing light to shadow. Darkness and light cannot exist in the same vessel.

Some two-thousand years ago Christ encouraged people to develop the ability to “turn the other cheek”. This great metaphor is literally teaching us the healing function of seeing a different side of any perspective or idea. Everyone consciously knows this but so few practice it. When practiced, it works, whether in our relationship with ourselves, or with others.

Of all relationships, the relationship with self is the most important. A relationship with self that is built on the foundation of shame and self-deprecation can never stand. This relationship is defined by what others think of us – in reality what we think they think. This is always ego function and puts us at the mercy of our external world. There is no doubt that context so deeply affects us and while it affects us it need not define us. We as a species have the ability to examine ourselves and to come to understand those parts of us that may not serve our higher good. In many years of practice I have never encountered a situation where a person healed by hurting themselves. They have never healed a relationship by finding fault or hating the other (or self). Conflict has never ended conflict and never will, yet it is the way of ego function. The terrible irony is that most people define themselves in terms of ego function, that is, they define themselves in terms of things they believe they can possess or have to defend. These possessions will all be taken away from us at some point in time. Again, a long time ago we were encouraged to collect “treasures” that are not corruptible by  “moth and rust”.
The most desirous of all possessions are those we cultivate: empathy, compassion, integrity, and understanding. We can give them away but they can never be taken from us.

My hope is that we, as individuals and as a country, do not let the violence of terrorism define us. I hope what defines us is our response to it.

I witnessed the many women and men rush to aid those injured. The showing of care and concern touches all of us deeply. I wish it didn’t take a tragic senseless event to wake us up to our highest human potential. Being awake requires a daily practice.

Some years ago I read an article from the Washington Post about a famous violinist who incognito played a most valuable violin in a Metro station in Washington DC. He played for 45 minutes – no one stopped to hear and to listen. We are all guilty of living our lives mindlessly – so caught up in the trance of normalcy that it often takes a “bomb” to wake us up. This need not be the case. When someone asked the Buddha who he was, he replied, “I am awake”.

Talk given at Ann's* funeral March 13, 2013

 I must admit that I was surprised with the call and the invitation to speak today. I must also admit that I am a stranger to many of you and you somewhat to me. You see I only know you through the eyes of Ann*. I apologize for not knowing each of you personally. I consider this a sacred task today. I consider the human psychic as the holy of holies for our mortal and temporal temples. Each story I have heard over the years have all been unique yet similar, and all sacred. You see it is our story that lets us know we have been here and that our presence did matter. When we came into the world, the world was changed, when we leave this world the world will change again. There is a paradox with the passing of a loved one. Everything changes and yet nothing changes. Each soul takes up a large space in our minds and in our hearts and when that soul leaves there is a great void, and yet the sun still comes up , homes must be cleaned and cared for, children need nurturing and care, jobs go on, bills will be paid, the same worries cloud our minds, and life goes on.

I came to know my client sometime after her initial diagnosis. She shared with me that the best science of the time was giving her little hope for a cure. As all people, she was afraid, sometimes angry, sometimes depressed and always concerned about what her death would mean to her family. I believed she cared for and loved her family deeply.

As I came to know her, I found that she had some definite beliefs and attitudes about life and about the challenges she faced with her diagnosis. She was determined to live even though I believe in her heart she knew that her stay here would not be long. I found her to be realistically courageous as she faced her mortality.

In the course of working with individuals and families as they face the end of life, I encourage them to work on healing their relationships; that is, finding peace in all relationships. While that is sometimes difficult and takes time and perspective, it is always possible. Curing is not always possible.  

As people go through this process they often receive lots of care and attention, but the family and the caretakers are often neglected.

Sometimes the role of caretaker is more difficult than the disease itself.  Oftentimes a great number of emotions surface – all of which are normal, ie: loss of hope, regret, feelings of helplessness, vulnerability, frustration, sometimes guilt and shame. Oftentimes caretakers are caught in a double bind – they do not want the loved one to suffer, and they do not want to lose the loved one, yet they know that death will end the mortal suffering.

As humans we are complex, we often feel conflicting emotions – I encourage you to allow yourself to feel, to be vulnerable, thereby allowing yourself to love and be loved completely.

While vulnerability may feel like weakness and no one I know likes to feel weak – vulnerability is what allows us to love – the truth is, we are all vulnerable and we all are in need of the healing power of love – love is that healing process that can never be taken away from us if we nurture and care for it.

We as human beings have a tendency to attach our identity to things that are impermanent, job, property, things and even bodies; all these things can and will be taken from us.  Our values, our integrity, our love can never be taken away – we can give them up, but they can’t be taken away.

Some thirty nine years ago I was in the delivery room in the hospital in Logan, Utah. I was standing helplessly watching my wife truly enter into the valley of death as she was giving birth to our first son. After a long twenty four hour labor process, our son was born. But he was not breathing, he was pale blue color and I could see the concern on the faces of the doctor and the nurses attending my wife and my son. The doctor worked on the baby for what seemed like a long time attempting to start the life process. After a few actual moments, the baby took a deep breath and started crying, his little body becoming animated with life. After cleaning him off, the doctor handed him to me. In that transcendent moment I felt the most over-powering love and gratitude to my wife and for my son and for life, and at the same time the awesome responsibility for this most precious gift of life that had come into my world.

Some five years ago I stood by the bedside of my mother. There were loved ones surrounding her, my father was holding tightly to her hand, not wanting her to leave. At last he gave her permission to leave. He let go of her hand and she let go of her last breath in mortality and her mortal body became still. A peaceful countenance settled over her physical body and I felt the joy that comes from seeing a loved one released from pain and suffering, finally to be at peace. At the same time there was a grief in our minds and in our hearts, particularly for my father as he was to move on without her. I have no doubt that there were loved ones there to greet my mother. As she passed through the veil, as she took her last step in mortality and her first step into immortality.

In both of these experiences, the arriving of life and the leaving of life have had profound impact on me and how I view the great cycle of life. As Robert Augustus Masters says, “Death makes life worth living. Death makes beauty unspeakably obvious. Death makes love unsurpassably important. Death wakes us up. What better ally could we have than Death? Death gives all the same opportunity. Death leaves no one out.” (Integral Post, Such Raw Beauty by Robert Augustus Masters)

The following poem from Bernie Sieger, MD., is by one of his patients

Nine months seems like a long time

I watch my body change

Tired I sit staring out at life

Books and music transport me beyond my body

Nine months finally pass

I give birth to my child

All the discomfort and pain is now justified

Chemotherapy and radiation

Twelve months seems like a long time

I watch my body change

Tired I sit staring out at life

Books and music transport me beyond my body

Twelve months finally pass

I give birth to myself

All the discomfort and pain is now justified

I have often heard the phrase that someone has “lost their battle with cancer”. When I hear such statements it saddens me because I think they do not understand the true nature of life. We can lose the battle to cancer only if death is failure. If I believe death is failure then mortality must be failure as well, and we all must fail because we are all mortal. Mortality is terminal. So what is cancer? The following is what I have learned by working with many people and their families who have had the cancer diagnosis.  

Cancer need not be a battle, it is an opportunity; an opportunity to live and love fully and completely. It has taught me that the things of life that are important range much further than the limitations of the physical body. It has taught me that love is really the only healing power in the universe and that healing transcends curing. Cancer cannot destroy that healing power. It has taught me that beyond hope lies peace knowing that I loved and received love without conditions.

I have come to realize that beyond the dualistic nature of this physical world lays a dimension where every experience is perfect, where every experience teaches us about the possibilities of what our true nature is.

We learn that we are more than the physical elements making up our bodies, that can be damaged and harmed by the forces of nature, and that we must honor and cooperate with those forces. We learn that we are spirit and that spirit animates the elements that surround it. We realize that beyond spirit lies intelligence, made of light and truth. In reality we are made up of the very essence of God stuff. Cancer is the gift that allows us to truly know and experience this God stuff of hope, of love, of compassion, of empathy, of pain, of purpose, and of connection to all things. It is creating the possibility of relationships where there are no images, no pretense, and only true connections with other mortal beings who suffer pain and disappointment along this journey of mortality.

It has given me a sense of purpose greater than my individual experience. It has allowed me to share my life experience with others and that by sharing, we all grow.

No, we don’t lose the battle with cancer. We are wounded but we come to understand that God allows no wound without a gift that is commensurate with that wound. We come to understand that life is what it is, and that we can chose the way of light that leads to pure joy or chose the way of despair. There is no battle, only opportunity. Opportunity to be fully human, to love fully and completely and to receive love fully and completely, and finally to come to understand what it means, “I AM LOVE”.

The Measure, by K. W. Brewer, July 27, 2005

I measure my life in friends and I am humbled by the numbers, the quality, the style, path, policy and grace.

I measure my life in days when friends write, and when we converse as they sit by my bed, read poems and listen.

I measure my life in family who speak through tears, who serve me meals on a wicker tray, who pray and love and float.

I measure my life in pine siskins who entertain me in feeders outside my window, and Gus the Schnauzer who curls next to me in bed.

I measure my life in friends who do not know my sins, who hug my shrunken body, who break open my heart with words.

I measure in life in cancer that has taught me how to measure my life.

Today and in the future as you mourn and grieve the loss of wife, mother, sister, friend fellow journeyers – reflect on the gifts her life story gave you, speak of her, remember the lessons learned, allow yourself the sadness that comes from such loss, remember the Christ in the Garden, "not my will but thine"– surrender and the angels will attend thee.

Thank you for allowing me to share this sacred moment with you.

•Ann's name has been changed to protect the confidentiality of her and her loved ones