Dependence versus Love

Scott Peck in his book The Road Less Traveled defines love as: “The will to extend oneself for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth” (81).

Considering Peck’s perspective of love, examine the following sentiments: “I can’t live without your love. I’m nothing without your love. What am I supposed to do without your love?” All of these sentiments reflect much of what we commonly believe about love, especially as young dependent children. Of all creatures, human beings are the most dependent for the longest period of time. We are also the only creatures that we know of who have a consciousness of self and are self-conscious, thereby giving us the capacity of self-love or self-rejection. These self-values of love or rejection are taught to us by the amount of value we perceive our caretakers to have for us.

While the sentiments mentioned above are true for the very young, they cannot remain true as the child grows and develops into a mature youth and eventually an adult. As one matures we should move from dependence on others for survival and love, to a more spiritually mature level of consciousness that allows for personal self-love and nurturing.

If a child has been neglected or traumatized by caretakers who were either unconscious of their mistreatment or who had been injured as children themselves, learning how to have self-love can be difficult. Because the child grew up in an environment lacking nurturing and love, he or she has an immense challenge because they must literally learn to speak a new language, a language different than the one their brains were wired with.

Language is symbolic of a level of consciousness. It represents the way we see our world externally as well as internally. If we speak a language of love, tolerance, empathy, and compassion, these personal character qualities are present in our neurological make up. Quite literally a person cannot behave in a way that is not “wired” in their neurons of the brain. The miracle of these things called the brain and consciousness is that it is conscious of itself. This allows it to learn from itself both consciously as well as unconsciously. So while it may be difficult to learn how to love even if we were not loved as children, it is possible.

Love as Dependence
Much of what I hear and experience about love is more about dependence than it is about love. I believe this common confusion arises from the fact that we all need to be nurtured, both from a biological and physical standpoint, but also from an emotional, psychological and spiritual place. We, like all species, are dependent on our environment for our very survival. Hostility in any part of our life does not bode well for our survival and growth. As a result, our very well-being is dependent on being loved and nurtured. Initially this love should come from others, such as caretakers, family, and close friends. However, we must each grow and progress in such a way that their love is replaced by our own self-love.

Self-love requires discipline. It is not just indulging oneself with every want or whim. Seemingly pleasurable indulgence should not be considered self-love; rather it is a counterfeit of love, encouraging a false sense of wellbeing. This counterfeit love can even come from a place of good intentions and actions. For example: Often people “do” things that could be nurturing, such as scripture study, prayer, study, and exercise. However, when these things are part of a lengthy “to do” list of items they’re supposed to do, they become an unfulfilling chore that hinders instead of helps. When these things are done not as a task, but as a conduit to nurture oneself, they become great vehicles for growth and love.

As one truly loves oneself, one experiences the sensations of completeness or wholeness, which then translates as a feeling of self-worth and confidence. This perspective allows us to see others as they are as well, and invite them to understand their own wholeness. This invitation is one in which the other is invited to expand or enlarge oneself. Sometimes this invitation even comes by way of pain. For example:
    Sometimes love is comforting.
    Sometimes love is confronting.
    Sometimes love is making love with them.
    Sometimes love is not making love with them.
    Sometimes love is strict discipline.
    Sometimes love is listening deeply.

Love is never a feeling or emotion, although it creates deep emotion. Love can be sensory, so much so that it is deeply sensed in the same way that energy can be sense. Thus it becomes the most powerful agent of change; the only change agent, in fact, that brings about spiritual healing. As we know, when we change the spiritual, or the interior, the world around us changes for the better.

Cathexis
Growing up I had the opportunity to see many animals come into the world because my family owned sheep and cattle. I had many experiences of assisting a ewe to give birth to her lamb. To witness the new born lamb or calf taking its first breath was always a physical manifestation of the miracle of life. There were many times when I would hold the newborn lamb and feel it as if it were a part of me.

Passing from childhood to adulthood, I eventually married and had children of my own. When each of my children were born I held them and felt that deep indescribable connection, knowing that they were part of me. There’s a sense of wonder knowing that we all came from the same source and yet are separate. We are separate so that we might continue to grow and evolve individually. As strong as these feelings are this is not love in its entirety. It is love in infancy. The love matures as my desire grows to serve my children in such a way that they can grow and mature spiritually and emotionally. Most parents do this willingly and joyfully, regardless of the many heartaches and disappointments that are an inevitable part of the process.

If one is to be happy one has to come to a place of gentle self-acceptance and be willing to serve self in a way that enables spiritual growth and evaluation. Many confuse indulging ego wants and needs, with the strategy of going inward to discover true light. Scott Peck’s definition of love, “the will to extend oneself for the spiritual growth of another,” is most applicable. All of the great philosophers, prophets and mystics have taught this grand truth:  that when we change our interior, the whole world changes. True love comes not from the exterior – it comes from the deep interior of the unmanifest.

Soul Pancake
This sensory experience is a defining moment in a person’s life. It changes the heart, which in turn changes how we experience the world. Even suffering, which usually has a negative connotation, becomes more exquisite. We have heard it said before, and probably experienced it ourselves: Life is painful. At times it may even feel like pain and suffering are our constant companions. Looking at the big picture, we can better understand that the painful tension that exists throughout all nature and life, is a necessary part of our transformation, and transform we will! Nature herself guarantees that with or without our help, we will transform. We have a choice though: we can consciously evolve with a purpose, or we can simply go with the current, occasionally resisting until we’re too exhausted to resist further.

This continual progression of transforming and changing and growing is an essential part of life. There’s never an ideal state that we will arrive at and stay at permanently. All manifested things – the physical aspects of life – are temporary in nature and are always subject to entropy. As we love and act on that love, we cooperate with these forces and flow toward the infinite. The unmanifested – love, empathy, compassion, integrity –are not subject to the forces of nature. They cannot be destroyed. They are only be controlled by our own consciousness.

Dangers of Cathextic Love
When people confuse genuine love with dependence, the results are damaging. The movie “War of the Roses” is a perfect example of “possessive love,” which ends in the tragic death of both parties. To some this may seem romantic, but this is not real love. Real or genuine love is difficult in real life. It requires us to continually examine ourselves, by asking ourselves: “How do my thoughts and actions impact the one I love? Am I helping them to grow?” People who see relationships as possessions are concerned only of how their ego interests are served. When our identity is so connected to another for our personal value, we place ourselves in great psychological, emotional and spiritual peril. When that relationship ends, and all relationships in mortality will end, we have no spiritual reserve to sustain us. We are left feeling empty, with no inherent value or purpose. This condition is the most painful of all conditions and many literally do not survive.

Anyone who has experienced the end of love relationship knows how very painful it can be. It often takes years to fully heal and it always leaves a scar on the psyche. Healing can occur more effectively when we do not attempt to “possess” the relationship, but instead surrender to it and let nature, time, and perspective do the healing.