Welcome

Dr. C. Bradford Chappell has over 30 years experience working with individuals, couples and families going through major life events. He has graduate degrees in Sociology and Social Work, and a Ph.D in Social Psychology and Family Studies. Dr. Brad has ran support groups for people with catastrophic illness for over twenty five years. He has been married to his high school sweetheart for 43 years. Together they have four "absolutely wonderful" children and eleven incredible grandchildren. Currently Dr. Brad is a life adjustment coach in private practice, where he works with people one on one and in groups. He has spent his time guiding people as they journey through their most trying life experiences. Including mine. I am honored to be his daughter and bring you morsels of knowledge and guidance that have been such blessed constants in my life. The purpose of this blog is to share his wisdom. And so we begin. . .

Monday, September 29, 2014

Pain

Be brief; for it is with words or with sunbeams – the more condensed the deeper they burn.  Southey Notes 4:7

“The real voyage of discovery consists not in finding new landscapes but it having new eyes.  Marcel Proust

 
Gibran, “Pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses our understanding."
  
In this brief statement we can understand the purpose of pain. Pain without purpose creates psychological and spiritual suffering. The irony is that we can choose what our pain means to us. Most of the time we do not choose pain or painful experiences. We can choose what the pain means and we can choose how we deal with the pain.

Gibran goes on to say that pain is very much part of nature and life. But if we could be observers of our pain, our pain would not seem less wondrous than our joy. (From Kahlil Gibran, the Prophet)

There is always purpose to our pain.

The pain of all pain is when we have no purpose in our existence, when we are alive but find no purpose in that life.  This is a spiritual pain – the irony of this pain is that is comes mainly from “nothing happening” to us. We call this neglect.  Neglect is the most insidious kind of pain and abuse. Nothing happened, but it should have. The brain is not equipped to deal with nothing, so it makes nothing (neglect) into something, and that something manifests itself biologically in the brain, as largeholes, and psychologically as “I must have no value.”  This creates a spiritual pain of having no purpose while still alive. While this is not true, this level of consciousness creates such suffering for the person who holds it. 

Neglect is the withholding of love and validation. So it is quite easy to conclude that, “I’m unworthy and undeserving of being loved.”

Note:  (The brain is wired neurologically because of stimulation from environment.)  The brain wires everything even the nothingness of things – wires all data, accurate and inaccurate.

The brain in its capacity is infinitely complex, so much in fact that it cannot possibly comprehend itself.  However, it knows exactly how it functions in relationship to everything else. The brain/mind can comprehend many things, and by its very nature wants to comprehend all things. By the way, that is what we call God, “all knowing, all comprehending.”  It is not something we can know cognitively (psychologically); it is however, something we can sense (heart & brain combined).

Nick Hanson, PhD, and Richard Mendius, MD, in their book, “Buddha’s Brain,” state “The number of possible combinations of 100 billion neurons firing or not, is approximately 10 to the millionth power, or 1 followed by a million zeros; in principle, this is the number of possible states of your brain. To put this quantity in perspective, the number of atoms in the universe is estimated to be ‘only’ about 10 to the eighteenth power.”

Thinking about that, how much of our “brain power” do we really use?  How much of our brain power is actually wasted over things that are so unimportant, to the healing of the self and the planet?  How much brain power do we use in worry about things that we do nothing about?

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

"Relate To" as opposed to "Having An Agenda For"

Recently I had a client who told me a story about his relationship with his wife.  They had spent the day together, had laughed and joked, had had a nice dinner before going home.  Sometime earlier his wife had made the comment that she wished he would be “more spontaneous” in their relationship.  As he prepared for bed he took his cealis, shut the door and approached his wife, she apparently said to him, “What do you think I am? Some kind of whore?”  As you might imagine his expectations of the evening were blown out of the water.  I know from previous experience with stories about events that there are always at least two or more versions.  Whether the story is factually accurate is not what is at issue here.  The issue is: What happens when we have expectations or agendas that get frustrated or go unmet?

In relationships it is impossible not to have any expectations of the relationship.  However, this phenomenon of having expectations sets us up for many disappointments and frustrations.
   
When we make our expectations explicit the other person can say “yes” or “no”.  This requires a vulnerability that many are very uncomfortable with.  If we are in a relationship we care about, we are vulnerable.  Pretending we are not vulnerable creates so many more problems that have long lasting consequences.  The most critical is that people start withholding love, affections, validation.  More relationships are injured because of what doesn’t happen than what does.  I’ve stated in earlier discussion one cannot protect oneself from one whom you love.  If you love someone you have expectations that that person will not hurt you and most of the time that is true.  I don’t know many relationships where one person intentionally hurts their partner.  Most hurts occur unintentionally.  They hurt, but they are not to be personalized.

Couples should work to provide a safe emotional space where “all of us” can be known and loved.  When we make this an “agenda” for ourselves, we are more likely to provide that safe space for our partner.  We can relate to them rather than believing they should know our agenda and comply.

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Embrace Your Uniqueness

Recently I had a conversation with my granddaughter.  This is a granddaughter that I believe is absolutely beautiful, talented, extremely intelligent, sensitive, kind and very wise for her age.  As you might guess, I think she is perfect.

We were discussing something that she didn’t want anyone to know.  She was very concerned that if people knew of her heritage that they would not see her for her, or they would judge her because of her more popular and well-known parent.  This parent really has not played an active role in her life.  However, I believe many of the strengths and gifts she has is because she has had to deal with many hard times and disappointments.  She has dealt with this pain with grace and dignity. However she does feel some shame because she “is not like the other girls” she knows.

Like all of us, we really don’t want to be different, even though at the conscious level we know we are different.  It always seems that “our difference” is different in a bad way, especially if you are thirteen.  This sense of “being differently bad” causes us to hide what is very obvious about us.  We cannot hide who we are.  This unconscious attempt only has the impact of alienating us from others and causes the self to fracture.  We end up feeling like a fraud, ashamed of who we really are.  No one ever really plans this, it just happens as we try to navigate this painful journey called life.  Trying to hide ourselves from ourselves and from others adds so much unnecessary pain to this journey.

As my beautiful granddaughter and I talked, what kept coming to mind was the phrase, “the truth shall set you free.”  I was reading from the book by Mark Nepo, “The Book of Awakening,” and he quotes Angels Airien, “Show Your Hair”:

My grandmother told me,
“Never hide your green hair –
They can see it anyway.”

The truth is that my granddaughter has nothing to hide, she is complete, whole and beautiful.  She has nothing to apologize for or to be ashamed of.  She cannot possibly hide these qualities without great damage to herself.  The very sad thing is that many people do try to hide their uniqueness, their talents and gifts, because they are afraid of others’ disapproval.

Disapproval always hurts, especially if it comes from someone we care about or someone we identify with.  The very sad reality is that many of us can only approve of ourselves when we think others approve of us.  Navigation of life requires us to rise above this tendency to define ourselves by what we think others think of us.  While that is difficult, it certainly is possible.

The counsel I gave my granddaughter was to let everyone see her; they are going to anyway.  But learn to stand in the light of her own love and self-acceptance.  If she hides what is obvious about her, she loses, and gifts she has for the world will be lessened.

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Parenting

And a woman who held a babe against
her bosom said, Speak to us of Children.
And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s
longing for itself.
They come through you but not from
you,
And though they are with you yet they
belong not to you.


You may give them your love but not
your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not
their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of to-
morrow, which you cannot visit, not even
in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek
not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries
with yesterday. 

~Kahlil Gibran                               

I believe this brief poem contains some absolutely eternal principles for assisting children to become healthy, functioning adults. The function of the family is to socialize children that they may contribute to the evolution of the planet. So many of us think we “have to teach” our children how to be useful adults. We often set out “to make” them like us or in many cases “to make them not like us.” We fail to realize that we cannot, not teach our children. Every moment we are interacting with them in every context, they are learning what it means to be a person.


Probably the most important realization that any parent can make is that every child is unique. They come with their own potential and the best we can do as parents is be the solid foundation that allows them to nurture and foster that development of their unique self. Children are naturally loving, naturally curious, naturally helpful and naturally self-serving. I love the principle of allowing children to discover their own thoughts. So many children are taught what to think as opposed to learning how to think. When we teach children how to think we are teaching them to process information and then evaluate the consequences of that information on their lives as well as the lives of others. We teach them what I call consequential thinking as opposed to right/wrong, good/bad thinking.


We cannot possibly protect our children from all the information of the world that could possibly harm them. What we can do is teach them to process information. By processing information the child learns to discern which information is helpful and that which is not.


How does one do this? The first criteria is for the parents to create a safe environment for the child to experience life. We set appropriate, flexible boundaries that are specific to the needs of the child. Boundaries for a five year old are much different than boundaries and expectations for a ten year old. But both benefit as being taught how to reason by asking appropriate reality testing questions. By asking questions you are teaching them to go inside themselves for the answer. Obviously they are not going to have a definitive answer and so parents will correct any dangerous or inappropriate answer. The point is that you are teaching them to problem solve with gentle guidance. You are teaching them respect by respecting them enough to acknowledge them and deeply listen to them without judgment. Every human being that comes onto the planet has the need to be seen, heard and understood. When this happens they feel loved; if it doesn’t, they don’t feel loved. Parents have to be very careful that they discern when they are parenting for themselves and when they are parenting for the child.


So many parents attempt to “make perfect children” because at some deep level they see their children as extensions of themselves. While this is true, they are separate from you. To be connected yet separate is a paradox that many parents and children never resolve successfully. The resolution of their paradox can only be achieved by loving unconditionally. For most people, the closest we ever come to loving unconditionally is the love we have for our children.


I believe one of the greatest gifts we can give our children is that we love our selves unconditionally. There are parts of ourselves that we may find unacceptable but we don’t reject ourselves because of that part. We work to change it thereby growing. We teach them in this way that they are evolving beings and quite acceptable in their own growth process.

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Longing

 

What do you long for?

Spend a few moments and ask yourself that question. Allow your mind to just free flow and then write down everything that comes to your mind.

Now ask yourself this very important question, “What is the consequence of my longing?”

Many years ago Thoreau said, “Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with their song still in them.” Recently I was sitting on my home’s front porch overlooking a beautiful valley when I became acutely aware of a deep sense of longing within me. As I sat observing this longing I wondered where it came from because I lacked for nothing. As I observed it I recognized how “long” it had been with me. As I reflected, I could not remember a time when that shadow of longing had not been with me. I know there were times when I was not consciously aware of it but I knew I didn’t have to look very far to find it again. So what was this thing I sensed as longing? Every human being comes into the world through a connection, a sperm and an egg come together to form a zygote; that cell divides 52 times and become us in all of our miraculous complexity. We only stay viable because we have a connection to a host that allows us to survive and thrive. This deep need for a connection is imprinted upon our hearts, minds, and bodies. This imprint occurs at a time when we are vulnerable to all external stimulus. The new being is totally dependent upon the external environment for survival. The inner vulnerability calls for nurturing and attention from the outside world to insure its survival.

This instinctual need is felt by the adult and longing for something outside the self to complete us. The irony is that as we have grown we develop life strategy skills that enable us to meet our own survival needs. However, the longing to be connected and nurtured by another or something outside ourselves is still there locked deep in the interior of the unconscious. Feeling a sense of something missing often causes an existential unrest. People who experience this “longing” often start searching for something to complete them. The positive side of this searching is that people often create new and innovative products that might improve the quality of life. New frontiers are explored because people feel this deep need to discover something more “out there.”

The downside of this longing is that people often turn to things that mask the longing but have disastrous side effects. Addictive behaviors are an example of meeting this longing in a way that does not ultimately benefit anyone.

There are many, as Thoreau said, “who lead lives of quiet desperation.” That is, they long for something they either cannot create or are unwilling to risk creating something different. “Wanting” the “thing”, but never doing anything about it is what creates the desperation. It really isn’t the “not having” that creates the problem, but the “longing” for the thing not created that causes such deep suffering.

When we recognize that the source of our suffering is not in our immediate environment we can relax into the perfection of the moment. If the “lack” is immediate, that is, it is something we need, we must move to create it.

Sometimes it takes great courage to move out of a place that is familiar. Many times I have heard of circumstances that are very painful and yet people stay in them. It is not comfortable but it is familiar and seemingly requires no risk. In this case the greater risk is to do nothing.

Some time ago a client in the support group I facilitate for people with cancer, brought this wonderful poem in:

Come to the Edge
Life said.
We are afraid.
Come to the Edge.
Life said.
They came.
It pushed them . . .
And
They
Flew
                                                                                            - Guillaume Apolknaire 

When people are militant in their healing journey, they don’t seem to mind flying. They truly sing their song and their song blesses the world.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Mental Health

 

I do not believe mental illness is a disease. I believe it is a state of consciousness that has been labeled a disease. Yet when people hear the concept of “mental health” they experience a conditioned response and really hear “mental illness,” which in turn causes them to experience shame or embarrassment.

“Mental health” started on the wrong path when as a discipline it became known as an “illness of mind” and thus a disease. Psychiatrists, seeking legitimacy from their medical peers, chose to follow the medical model and focus on materialistic or physical pathology of the body and apply the disease model to the mind. Most modern research is still focused on examining the brain function and areas of the brain where disease might be found. While they have discovered many marvelous things about the brain, they still haven’t found a physical manifestation of mental illness. And how can they, when we still haven’t discovered how matter (brain) holds the thing we call the “mind” or consciousness. It is a miraculous mystery how neurons in the brain are able to hold information and organize that information in such a way that we can act upon that information. For example, I cannot explain to you how I am able to write this very sentence, or how you, the reader, is able to comprehend (or perhaps not comprehend) this explanation.

The brain is capable of such incredible feats. It records everything. It records the obvious and the not so obvious. The brain hears what is said but it also records that which is not said. This is particularly true for attitudes held by the self, about the self. There are times when one is told overtly that they are not enough or that there is something defective about them. When this happens the natural defense mechanism will usually adjust the suggestion as false. However, when someone sends the same message indirectly by non-verbal tone or inflection, the brain records it deep in the unconscious. For example:  We do not tell others that is it OK to lie, steal, or cheat or to treat someone mean, including self. And yet everyone has at some time or another done one or more of those things. The brain recorded these moments of information in the unconscious, and then the person acted on that information later, again without any conscious understanding of how or why.

What is not said, is what determines the person’s individual sense of self. There is an epidemic being created by the social media that we are “not enough,” through the way events and opinions are portrayed, though it is never said outright, it is having serious consequences on our society. Ironically it’s true: none of us are enough! But so what?! The problem is not the fact that we are not enough – it is the negative sentiment that somehow we are flawed because we are not enough.

The world is full of ideas (consciousness) and the brain is the processor of that consciousness, both the known and the unknown. Simply because we cannot measure something does not make it any less real. This is where we enter the world of spirit. The inner world where we sense a connection to all things, even the unknowable. Yet we are conscious of this unknowable sentiment and we find that it has real consequences in our lives, sometimes intended but often unintended.

An example of unintended consequence is the function of addictive behavior. I have never known anyone who consciously set out to mess up their lives. However, because of their unconscious level of awareness that is exactly what happens. Often when asked “Why did you partake of an addictive substance or activity?” they will give various answers blaming it on the past or even say “I don’t know.” They probably really don’t know because their level of awareness is limited to the conscious mind. To make changes they are required to examine the results produced by the unconscious, thereby raising their level of consciousness. The conscious mind can never know the unconscious directly. It can only know the results of the unconscious.

Honest self-examination is the path to enlightenment. How you think about yourself will determine how you present yourself to your world. Conscious as well as unconscious insecurities will motivate one to present to the world in a way that is less genuine and authentic. Some call that “posing” or we pretend while pretending that we are not pretending.

The energy to manage impressions can be exhausting emotionally and psychologically. The fear of being “found out” takes a huge toll on our happiness and well-being. The negative connotations that come with the concepts of “mental health” or “mental illness” perpetuate this stigma and create an arena of fear and shame.

The term “mental illness” brings a connotation that one is somehow defective at the core level. No one wants to be diagnosed with a mental illness. It brings shame and disgrace, separating them from the rest of humanity. It is not so different as in times past when one was considered to be demonic if their behavior or thought was different than the societal norm. During the dark ages over a million women, children, and men were put to death because they were thought to be possessed by some “evil spirit.” In response, modern psychology was invented to replace this very archaic and inhumane practice.

Despite our advances, our mental health system seems woefully inadequate. There is still an element of inhumanity from what happened in our early psychiatric institutions and what is still occurring with those diagnosed as mentally ill. Studying the “matter” of the brain is not going to answer the question of how the mind works. We need to stop focusing on the symptoms (medical model) and start examining the underlying root of the symptoms, which is to study levels of consciousness that produce behaviors diagnosed as “mental illness.”

Recently there has been a movement, long overdue, in the psychological world toward a science of happiness. Martin E.P. Selizman, PhD has been a strong advocate for positive psychology. I would urge all to read his book “Authentic Happiness.” Having said that, I believe we need to go even further.

We must develop a new paradigm that examines all levels of consciousness. Consciousness is difficult to define in English because it often simply refers to being aware of some phenomenon. It is abstract, therefore it cannot accurately be described because it is not physical matter but it is the stuff that creates matter. From the Tibetan book of the Great Liberation, we read “Matter is derived from mind, not mind from matter.” Professor Han-Peter Durz said, “Whatever matter is, it is not made of matter.” I propose that happiness, unhappiness, mental health, mental illness, are all states of consciousness and each in its own way serves some purpose for the holder of that particular state of consciousness.

In nature all phenomenon has purpose. If it has no purpose it seems the intelligence of the universe does not create it. In other words, the mind of the universe has no need to create something that has no purpose. Even what we call insanity, or mental illness, serves some purpose just as happiness serves some purpose.

Mother Nature, evolution, created within each species an awareness or consciousness (mind stuff) of our environment. It seems that emotions are representations of our relationship to our environment. For example, if we feel fear our consciousness is telling us that there is something that is threatening. If we feel depressed there is something in our environment that we have lost or we are mourning something. If we are angry something is offensive to us. Emotions are messengers that give us information beyond the five senses. The mind itself is a meaning making phenomenon (consciousness) and is constantly evaluating and judging everything around us. Thus, when we allow the mind to examine itself without judgment it goes into a restful, peaceful state. From the space of stillness comes much wisdom.

In this space we are able to change the interior and to know what our consciousness is as it relates to the exterior world. The “out there” changes when the “in here” changes. So while we don’t physically change, our perception (consciousness) changes, and that effects everything. We must conclude that we are not our perceptions; we hold them but they are not us.

There are many who have experienced this dramatic shift in consciousness. In religious circles we call these people mystics. They seem to be in touch with a different or higher level of consciousness. In this state, perception (consciousness) of reality changes; while everything stays the same, nothing is really the same. Buddha is a well-known example: his goal was to discover the nature of the mind that perceives reality.

Most people believe that only select individuals have mystical or altered states of consciousness. I believe all are capable of attaining mystical experiences. In fact, everyone I have ever talked to has had some experience in that realm, whether or not they realize it at the time.

A religious mystic experience or a state of enlightenment is the same as loss of ego identity, commonly referred to as a psychotic break. Most of us would say people who experience any of those changes are very different, but we might be hard pressed to say how they are different. We would certainly be able to discern the difference in terms of consequence.

When one reads the poetry of some of the mystics of old we get a sense of their “insanity” as well as a sense of their serenity and peace. St. Catherine of Siena spent her life serving both the mental and emotional aspects of people suffering. Here is her poem “I Won’t Take No For an Answer”:


“I won’t take no for an answer,”
God began to say
to me
When He opened His arms each night
wanting us to
dance.

When Catherine was seven she yearned to wed God. She left home, found a cave, and sought God out in prayer. She had a mystical experience that put her on a path of assisting others to heal. In today’s world any seven year old who claimed to want to wed God would be taken to a child psychiatrist, given medication, and labeled with a mental illness.

Labels don’t help us in having effective relationships. Labels prevent us from seeing the real person, causing us to relate to the label (the idea of the person) rather than the actual person. For me this is a tragic way of dealing with a level of consciousness that results in shaming the child, or any person. No matter what the symptom we can still relate to that person. Does putting a diagnosis on a person help us in our relationship strategies? No! Most often it creates an artificial barrier in the relationship. Diagnosis and labels create so much pain for all involved. I have always found that true healers see the person. They help the person to find the courage to be honest and authentic, relieving that person of all the doubt and fear, and helping them to find both spiritual and emotional rewards.

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

When Love Ends

Recently I wrote about love, a subject that has been written about for thousands of years. Today I write about when love ends.

All relationships in mortality will sometime end. They will end because of death, divorce, or separation. In death love may not end and sometimes feels more intense. In divorce love dies because of neglect or abuse. The death of love feels like your heart is broken. We use terms like “she broke my heart,” “my heart aches for the one I love,” “he died of a broken heart,” etc. There is no question that when love dies it is often more painful than experiencing the death of a loved one. Over the years I have had clients who have experienced both, and all say the death of love in the relationship was more painful than the actual physical death of their loved one.

When love grows cold, the void that is left often fills with anger and resentment. This anger and resentment often times takes many years to heal. I once had a client tell me her story of rejection, betrayal and pain. As I listened she spoke of her pain as if it were yesterday. I asked, “When did all of this take place?” She replied, “Twenty years ago.” It was as if her emotional life had stopped with the divorce. While divorce certainly is a defining process for people, it need not be the end of love for them. It is sad for me when I see couples who once were lovers become bitter enemies. When children are involved it becomes even more tragic. Learning how to “quit” a love relationship is almost as important as learning the healing principles of a relationship that allows it to grow and flourish.

It is sad for me when I frequently hear that couples, upon ending their love relationship, threaten the other with things that that person holds most dear. Most often this involves the children’s living arrangements. I dislike the term “custody” because it implies ownership and control. No one owns their children. Often spouses threaten the other with the withholding of support financially, emotionally, or psychologically. Simply because the marriage flounders does not give one license to be mean and abusive. Usually one person in the relationship feels victimized. This becomes acutely true when the two parties go through the judicial system which is ill equipped to handle the spiritual and emotional issues of divorce and separation.

As said earlier, healing the wounds of a love relationship takes time and perspective. Of these two variables, perspective is by far the most important. One must give oneself and the signification other time to go through the grief and mourning process. It requires a militant commitment to the healing process. It requires one to become fully accountable for how they handle events in their lives. It often times requires forgiveness of self and of the other. It certainly requires one to let go.

Often I am asked, “Is there a good reason to end relationships?” The answer is “yes”; however, relationships must be ended for the right reason. I believe that reason should be so that both parties can go on growing emotionally and spiritually. If there is a pattern of ridicule, invalidation, or lack of acknowledgement for thought and emotion, one should end that relationship. I don’t believe there is any relationship that is worth giving up your integrity for. If you have to give up yourself to stay in the relationship you have gained nothing. One who loves you would never require you to give up yourself. One who loves you would ask you to be your best self and would offer to assist you in that process.

The purposes of relationships are many. The main function, however, is to assist us in our growth emotionally, spiritually and psychologically. When people fail to realize and understand this important principle, pain and heartache are the consequences.