Recently I had a conversation with my granddaughter. This is a granddaughter that I believe is absolutely beautiful, talented, extremely intelligent, sensitive, kind and very wise for her age. As you might guess, I think she is perfect.
We were discussing something that she didn’t want anyone to know. She was very concerned that if people knew of her heritage that they would not see her for her, or they would judge her because of her more popular and well-known parent. This parent really has not played an active role in her life. However, I believe many of the strengths and gifts she has is because she has had to deal with many hard times and disappointments. She has dealt with this pain with grace and dignity. However she does feel some shame because she “is not like the other girls” she knows.
Like all of us, we really don’t want to be different, even though at the conscious level we know we are different. It always seems that “our difference” is different in a bad way, especially if you are thirteen. This sense of “being differently bad” causes us to hide what is very obvious about us. We cannot hide who we are. This unconscious attempt only has the impact of alienating us from others and causes the self to fracture. We end up feeling like a fraud, ashamed of who we really are. No one ever really plans this, it just happens as we try to navigate this painful journey called life. Trying to hide ourselves from ourselves and from others adds so much unnecessary pain to this journey.
As my beautiful granddaughter and I talked, what kept coming to mind was the phrase, “the truth shall set you free.” I was reading from the book by Mark Nepo, “The Book of Awakening,” and he quotes Angels Airien, “Show Your Hair”:
My grandmother told me,
“Never hide your green hair –
They can see it anyway.”
The truth is that my granddaughter has nothing to hide, she is complete, whole and beautiful. She has nothing to apologize for or to be ashamed of. She cannot possibly hide these qualities without great damage to herself. The very sad thing is that many people do try to hide their uniqueness, their talents and gifts, because they are afraid of others’ disapproval.
Disapproval always hurts, especially if it comes from someone we care about or someone we identify with. The very sad reality is that many of us can only approve of ourselves when we think others approve of us. Navigation of life requires us to rise above this tendency to define ourselves by what we think others think of us. While that is difficult, it certainly is possible.
The counsel I gave my granddaughter was to let everyone see her; they are going to anyway. But learn to stand in the light of her own love and self-acceptance. If she hides what is obvious about her, she loses, and gifts she has for the world will be lessened.
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