Parenting

And a woman who held a babe against

her bosom said, Speak to us of Children.

And he said:

Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life’s

longing for itself.

They come through you but not from

you,

And though they are with you yet they

belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not

your thoughts,

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not

their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of to-

morrow, which you cannot visit, not even

in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek

not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries

with yesterday. 

~Kahlil Gibran                               

I believe this brief poem contains some absolutely eternal principles for assisting children to become healthy, functioning adults. The function of the family is to socialize children that they may contribute to the evolution of the planet. So many of us think we “have to teach” our children how to be useful adults. We often set out “to make” them like us or in many cases “to make them not like us.” We fail to realize that we cannot, not teach our children. Every moment we are interacting with them in every context, they are learning what it means to be a person.

Probably the most important realization that any parent can make is that every child is unique. They come with their own potential and the best we can do as parents is be the solid foundation that allows them to nurture and foster that development of their unique self. Children are naturally loving, naturally curious, naturally helpful and naturally self-serving. I love the principle of allowing children to discover their own thoughts. So many children are taught what to think as opposed to learning how to think. When we teach children how to think we are teaching them to process information and then evaluate the consequences of that information on their lives as well as the lives of others. We teach them what I call consequential thinking as opposed to right/wrong, good/bad thinking.

We cannot possibly protect our children from all the information of the world that could possibly harm them. What we can do is teach them to process information. By processing information the child learns to discern which information is helpful and that which is not.

How does one do this? The first criteria is for the parents to create a safe environment for the child to experience life. We set appropriate, flexible boundaries that are specific to the needs of the child. Boundaries for a five year old are much different than boundaries and expectations for a ten year old. But both benefit as being taught how to reason by asking appropriate reality testing questions. By asking questions you are teaching them to go inside themselves for the answer. Obviously they are not going to have a definitive answer and so parents will correct any dangerous or inappropriate answer. The point is that you are teaching them to problem solve with gentle guidance. You are teaching them respect by respecting them enough to acknowledge them and deeply listen to them without judgment. Every human being that comes onto the planet has the need to be seen, heard and understood. When this happens they feel loved; if it doesn’t, they don’t feel loved. Parents have to be very careful that they discern when they are parenting for themselves and when they are parenting for the child.

So many parents attempt to “make perfect children” because at some deep level they see their children as extensions of themselves. While this is true, they are separate from you. To be connected yet separate is a paradox that many parents and children never resolve successfully. The resolution of their paradox can only be achieved by loving unconditionally. For most people, the closest we ever come to loving unconditionally is the love we have for our children.

I believe one of the greatest gifts we can give our children is that we love our selves unconditionally. There are parts of ourselves that we may find unacceptable but we don’t reject ourselves because of that part. We work to change it thereby growing. We teach them in this way that they are evolving beings and quite acceptable in their own growth process.