Recently I had a client who told me a story about his relationship with his wife. They had spent the day together, had laughed and joked, had had a nice dinner before going home. Sometime earlier his wife had made the comment that she wished he would be “more spontaneous” in their relationship. As he prepared for bed he took his cealis, shut the door and approached his wife, she apparently said to him, “What do you think I am? Some kind of whore?” As you might imagine his expectations of the evening were blown out of the water. I know from previous experience with stories about events that there are always at least two or more versions. Whether the story is factually accurate is not what is at issue here. The issue is: What happens when we have expectations or agendas that get frustrated or go unmet?
In relationships it is impossible not to have any expectations of the relationship. However, this phenomenon of having expectations sets us up for many disappointments and frustrations.
When we make our expectations explicit the other person can say “yes” or “no”. This requires a vulnerability that many are very uncomfortable with. If we are in a relationship we care about, we are vulnerable. Pretending we are not vulnerable creates so many more problems that have long lasting consequences. The most critical is that people start withholding love, affections, validation. More relationships are injured because of what doesn’t happen than what does. I’ve stated in earlier discussion one cannot protect oneself from one whom you love. If you love someone you have expectations that that person will not hurt you and most of the time that is true. I don’t know many relationships where one person intentionally hurts their partner. Most hurts occur unintentionally. They hurt, but they are not to be personalized.
Couples should work to provide a safe emotional space where “all of us” can be known and loved. When we make this an “agenda” for ourselves, we are more likely to provide that safe space for our partner. We can relate to them rather than believing they should know our agenda and comply.
It seems like most people typically have an agenda...including me. I need to learn to be more vulnerable and then I would be able to make myself for "available"
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ReplyDeleteAre there any expectations in a relationship that, if they are not met, are justified to be taken personally? For example, my friend may have the expectation that her significant other should speak respectfully about her to his friends, family, or acquaintances. If he participates in degrading banter specifically about her with others, is it wrong that she take it personally? Or is she more justified to say it hurts, but she should not be taking it personally?
ReplyDeleteAny time anyone shows disrespect for anyone we care about we are going to "hurt". It is not personal but it hurts. Sometimes we hurt more when someone we love is hurt than if we ourselves were being hurt. We often feel very vulnerable when we are unable to protect someone we love from hurt. It takes courage to say "I am hurt when you 'degrade' someone I care it about." It takes courage AND it preserves your integrity.
DeleteBlessings,
Brad