When Love Ends

Recently I wrote about love, a subject that has been written about for thousands of years. Today I write about when love ends.

All relationships in mortality will sometime end. They will end because of death, divorce, or separation. In death love may not end and sometimes feels more intense. In divorce love dies because of neglect or abuse. The death of love feels like your heart is broken. We use terms like “she broke my heart,” “my heart aches for the one I love,” “he died of a broken heart,” etc. There is no question that when love dies it is often more painful than experiencing the death of a loved one. Over the years I have had clients who have experienced both, and all say the death of love in the relationship was more painful than the actual physical death of their loved one.

When love grows cold, the void that is left often fills with anger and resentment. This anger and resentment often times takes many years to heal. I once had a client tell me her story of rejection, betrayal and pain. As I listened she spoke of her pain as if it were yesterday. I asked, “When did all of this take place?” She replied, “Twenty years ago.” It was as if her emotional life had stopped with the divorce. While divorce certainly is a defining process for people, it need not be the end of love for them. It is sad for me when I see couples who once were lovers become bitter enemies. When children are involved it becomes even more tragic. Learning how to “quit” a love relationship is almost as important as learning the healing principles of a relationship that allows it to grow and flourish.

It is sad for me when I frequently hear that couples, upon ending their love relationship, threaten the other with things that that person holds most dear. Most often this involves the children’s living arrangements. I dislike the term “custody” because it implies ownership and control. No one owns their children. Often spouses threaten the other with the withholding of support financially, emotionally, or psychologically. Simply because the marriage flounders does not give one license to be mean and abusive. Usually one person in the relationship feels victimized. This becomes acutely true when the two parties go through the judicial system which is ill equipped to handle the spiritual and emotional issues of divorce and separation.

As said earlier, healing the wounds of a love relationship takes time and perspective. Of these two variables, perspective is by far the most important. One must give oneself and the signification other time to go through the grief and mourning process. It requires a militant commitment to the healing process. It requires one to become fully accountable for how they handle events in their lives. It often times requires forgiveness of self and of the other. It certainly requires one to let go.

Often I am asked, “Is there a good reason to end relationships?” The answer is “yes”; however, relationships must be ended for the right reason. I believe that reason should be so that both parties can go on growing emotionally and spiritually. If there is a pattern of ridicule, invalidation, or lack of acknowledgement for thought and emotion, one should end that relationship. I don’t believe there is any relationship that is worth giving up your integrity for. If you have to give up yourself to stay in the relationship you have gained nothing. One who loves you would never require you to give up yourself. One who loves you would ask you to be your best self and would offer to assist you in that process.

The purposes of relationships are many. The main function, however, is to assist us in our growth emotionally, spiritually and psychologically. When people fail to realize and understand this important principle, pain and heartache are the consequences.