Shame

This morning I had a sacred conversation with a very dear friend that had six months ago received a prognosis of “terminal” from her oncologist. Over the last six months or so, she and I have had conversations about life and death, where we have covered almost all topics that were important to her. She has found such peace and comfort in knowing that while her body is “terminal”, she is not. This peace and comfort seems to transcend the purely rational or ego mind.

Coincidentally I had another conversation with a relative of a person who had a similar diagnosis and prognosis. This relative expressed care and concern that her dear relative was extremely agitated with the end of the mortal life process. She indicated that her relative was so afraid that after death, Jesus would not recognize her, and would reject her. I listened to the pain in the voice of this relative and could only imagine the anguish the relative must be feeling.

We are hard wired biologically for approval. We need approval from our mortal care takers in childhood and in adulthood from spouses, children, friends, and significant others. Without approval and love we as a species just do not thrive. While we do not need to be loved by everyone, we do need to be loved by someone and especially by ourselves. It seems our ability to love and accept ourselves as human beings comes in a large degree from how much our early caretakers loved and approved of their selves. Being able to love themselves, they were able to love and accept us as human.

Over the years I have observed many who carried the “shame” of their caretakers. This shame was passed on mostly unintentionally by very well-meaning people who for various reasons believed that some aspect of their humanness was unacceptable and therefore they became unworthy of love, feeling somehow not worthwhile. This inherently shows up in the consciousness of the individual as “I am a mistake”, not that I made a mistake but that I AM the mistake. We all have made mistakes. Mistakes are those experiences that let us know what works and what doesn’t. We gain wisdom from mistakes when and if we do not withdraw approval from ourselves. When mistakes become personal, that is we define ourselves in terms of the mistake, we feel the sentiment of shame. Shame is the process of inherently withdrawing approval of ourselves – thereby creating a deep existential anxiety. This anxiety is often misinterpreted as confirmation that there is something inherently flawed with me. The two conversations discussed earlier, represent two very different states of consciousness with two very different consequential outcomes.

The key is to understand that the love of self is the keystone to healing all other relationships. This love heals the deep existential fear and sadness that come from the misinterpreted sentiment that one is a mistake. As someone said “God does not create mistakes.”
 
Marianne Williamson’s now famous line, “It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us” is a sad commentary on how a distorted perception has become so true for so many. Another humble, enlightened teacher said a long time ago, “The truth shall set us free.” Militant healing is an attitude that directs one on a course to correct the distortions of human consciousness that causes so many so much needless pain and suffering. We are perfect beings with imperfect knowledge and awareness that must be corrected. We are love and we need to receive love and give love. We must come to the knowledge that we are worthy of being loved by self and by others.